Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
