i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
