Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
