did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
