Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
vagina is talking i cant
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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