Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
