I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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