Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
