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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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• (989): View more from Michigan

  I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa

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• (817): View more from Texas

  why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

  Fav 131 8245 2543

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• (502): View more from Kentucky

  All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck

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• (425): View more from Washington

  I need a costume

  (206): View more from Washington

  Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha

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• (636): View more from Missouri

  We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!

  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy

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