listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
