I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
