So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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