do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
