You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
