that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
