Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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