Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
