It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize