You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
