Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
