I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
