If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
