if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Couch. On fire.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
