Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
