I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
