If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
