Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
