I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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