I look better un-naked...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
