I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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