if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
