genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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