Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This house was built for laser tag.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize