Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize