My sheets look like a crime scene.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
