i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
