Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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