Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
