Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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