She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
