youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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