Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so let's talk penis.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
