Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
