how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
