I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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