That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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