he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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