Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
