I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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