I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
