On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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