How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize