Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
