giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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