what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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