Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
