Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we made out on top of his cat.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
